What Love is Not

an obsession 

a placeholder 

an accessory 

something to be used

Learning and Humility

I think I am getting to a place where I am allowing myself to learn.

I want to be cautious, but I don't want to let fear to hinder what I can learn. Mainly I don't want to be reckless. I want to be focused and make sure that everything I do has purpose. I want the truth. I don't want to stray, I just want to dive deeper into the truth, and yet still have faith when I get lost.

As for a slightly different thought all together, I think we as people should always aim to be more than what we are, yet in being more I do not mean losing sight of humility. If we can have a strong hold on qenuine humility and make room in our lives to grow into more than what we are than I think we will be in a good place.

Wrong place

I don't think I'm in the right place right now. 

I know what I need I can even see it now. Its so clear, but yet my masque is blurring my vision and makes me stumble when I try to take a step in the right direction. It only leads me astray.  

I try and I fail. I give up so easily. I need to remember and hold strong. I need to follow through, especially with standing up for myself and what I believe in. Why am I still so scared? 

I just realized that I don't need to be so careful like I used to think I needed to be with him, or them. Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't, but that is irrelevant now. The point is that I need to grow out of that habit. I don't even need to be so careful in that old place anymore. I just need to not be so fearful and weak, and to say what is on my mind. 

I have been hindering myself for so long that I don't even know how not to. I don't even know what I want to say when it comes time because cautiousness and restricting myself is my habit. I am so good at it, but its a pathetic skill. I know what I think and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to it...I just can't. 

In reference to Till We Have faces, I don't think I have a face right now. I have been working on the layers of my veil for so long I don't even know what lies below this masque. I still know, however, that I am Ungit. I am everything I hate, yet though my faith is weak Jesus still lives in my heart. He is the only good thing in me. 

Thats all for now. I am tired.  

"What ifs"

I have a lot of "what ifs" rolling around in my head lately (about the past and the future, and how the two collide). I am thinking about how my past decisions or experiences combined with what is to come (whatever that may be) will affect how I view things in the future. Will it be good, bad? Will I regret? Also, I'm not sure if where I'm headed is where I want to be going, yet I don't know how its going to turn out either. 

I don't want to live in the past or assume that the worst of the future, but I still want to be smart and remain true to who I know I am. These seem very hard to balance. I need to find the golden mean between these two opposing sides. 

I'm just unsure about so many big things right now. Not that I have to know at this point, but I just want to be smart and not fall into a hole. I don't want to get stuck. I want more than anything to be an obedient follower of Christ, but I haven't made that priority and I don't want to let that slip away. 

I'm not sure where my heart is right now, but I know where I want it to be. 

Thats all for now. 

silent tug of war

I kind of feel like I am stuck in a silent tug of war. 

This war is only remotely demoralizing and tiring; nothing too severe.  It seems pointless at times, but I don't want to let go. It gives me something, yet I'm not sure what. Thats why I give it a chance and have not let go yet. 

I can only hope that I will win or I will be strengthened from this daily test of my strength instead of only falling deeper into this tired and hardhearted state. I hope I will learn. I hope I will grow. I hope the best will come out of this.