What's enough?

How can you tell if someone cares "enough"? It might be simple to tell someone that they don't care enough (though not always easy), but how do you tell them that you are not sure if they do or do not care "enough"?

What even is enough?

I hate the fear to speak, and even so it should not be felt here. I shouldn't be afraid to speak.

I hate "almost". I hate lukewarm. I hate that you turn into the victim at the first sign of the most loving form of rebuke. You gave yourself away, and I should know better than to fall for another act of avoidance.

Brown eyes Turn Blue

I saw today your brown eyes change to blue

the gaze is the same, but the color has changed. 

Now he stands where you used to 

Though now I look in loving eyes of blue I am still not sure what then final color will be. 

Star Light Star Bright

I wish I may, a wish I might that I wasn't here wishing this wish tonight: oh, if you would actually treat me well. 

I will always love you and treat you well no matter what, but I do deserve better than this. 

Doll (Owners Manual)

Hello New Owner, Meet Doll. 

She is a beauty to look at, a great showpiece, friend, and companion! Her glass eyes always sparkle and shine in the light. For your convenience they will only open and close at your command depending on what you want her to see. If Doll sees something you should wish to hid, do not fear...  Doll will never break her silence. 

Doll has a painted smile on my face. Her pasty porcelain skin, untouched by the sun to prevent damage, is formed into a permanent smile. Soft pink lips to mach the rose on her cheeks.  She has straight white teeth. Always a pleasant demeanor for you to look at (no one will ever have to see Doll with a sour look on her face). Her lips could never move to tell your secrets, disagree with you or tell you what you are doing wrong. 

Doll does not require any maintenance or nag for any attention what so ever. Due to that fact, she may seem a bit faded at times, but that is caused by dust from a long time alone up on the shelf. If her faded appearance bothers you, just take her down and give her a good shake. At that point you can just put her right back up and leave her for as long as you wish. 

If you are ever feeling ill or depressed she will always be there, just for you. If you something to hug, or someone to talk to...your deepest thoughts, complaints, fears, or failures Doll is always there for you. If you simply need to find a way to take out your anger Doll is small and easy to throw into a floor or wall. If I do by all means throw me away. I wouldn't want to be a bother seeing as I wold need repair, and no one wants to look at a broken Doll up on a shelf. 

(Summary of Use for Owners): If you wish, hug Doll, and tell you love her when she is brand new (though not required). Put her on your shelf. Use her only when you need her. If Doll breaks throw her away. Don't worry about missing Doll after you get rid of her. She will never me missed because you can always buy a new one. 

Thank you for your purchase. 

About to take off :)

I'm going faraway to a place of my dreams. 

A great adventure... something more than I have ever experienced in my life. Its what I've always wanted, and I just realized its exactly what I need. I'm pretty sure anyway.

 Why have I been viewing this as a negative thing? Fear with a considerable amount of pressure mixed in, but I'm not going to let that get in the way. That would be lame. 

I have the chance to see and explore things that until less than a month from now have been so distant I dare not even hope to dream too much about. I get to learn and observe... something I love and enjoy. To work hard for something I want and be to responsible and be independent. 

Why didn't I look at it like this before? 

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Through which lens do you view the world? 

Bad Habit (maybe?):

"Assume the worst, and you won't get (as) hurt (or surprised and caught off guard at least). "

I hate that I always tend to expect the worst from people... and I hate more that I haven't been proved wrong enough to consider it a good idea to work on changing this train of thought. 

Not that I don't think everyone is bad. I just feel like we are all so crooked, even the best of us, that its too risky and dangerous to  trust anyone or thing too much. Yet, I wonder if I make things worse by assuming... I know I have, but I don't always know. And thats just the thing... I don't know, so I always brace myself just incase. 

I am realizing more and more that this is a sorry way to live, but still....

I feel uneasy when...

I can't figure out what's going on, and even more uneasy when I can't figure out my own feelings or what I want and what to about it all. But I think I feel a lot better when I can figure out a metaphor to perfectly explain how I feel. Or song lyrics. Those work too. (Something about how I think... I am constantly thinking of a figurative or metaphorical way to explain or understand anything and everything. I don't like it when I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, or something that fits.)

For now, I have none of the above. Oh well, I pray it will come. I feel like I don't have a good grip on anything good or lasting right now, and that scares me. 

I need to get back to my Love. The only real thing that I ever had, but I've been so neglectful. Good thing God isn't a person, or He would never take me back. 

I guess the first step is fully realizing grace and then accepting it, which is where I find myself at the moment, but just standing at the door. I hope I come out of this for the better and that I will be stronger because I feel like I have wasted time and regressed... which I hate (because I have do so much of it in life). Lame habits, and unhealthy patterns, regress, or at least getting stuck are such human things. I feel so human lately.