Back to Who I was.

I feel so much more like I'm living...like I'm actually present in my life when I am home. Spring break is almost over. It was one short week. I did absolutely nothing the whole time, and yet that is not true. I had a good time with my family, I remembered how hard things are at home, I worried, I cried (a lot, but it was nice in a way to be alone enough to cry), I painted, I slept (quite a bit), and I realized a lot. 

At school my life and daily experiences pass by so fast that I feel like I'm just in a race running past all these things that are going on. At home I can breath and think. I can remember and reflect. Its so nice. Its hard, its lazy, its a rut, but its deep and its beautiful and I can actually keep up. I am the kind of person who not only likes, but needs to think before she swims, but I haven't had that luxury the past seven or eight months. Its been clear to me that I have had trouble adjusting, but I think I'm getting better. I'm growing...I hope. I need to grow up and learn how to live, and make good decisions in that atmosphere. But I am still so thankful for home. 

When I got home I reverted back to who I was, who I am, so fast. I remembered all my past pain, and joy, and got back who I am. I need home to remember my pain, to remember who I really am, because thats who I want to be. 

I can't help but feel like when I get back to school, and my life there I will take my newly found old self back and those around me won't want to accept it, or at least know what to do with me. 

I'm happy though no matter what. I have my foundation back. 

I am "Back to where I was, and I resolve to regain my voice." Even in my school setting in my new life....I think this will be good. Resolve is what I needed. 

What happens?

What happens when you are running from and to the same thing? 

Humility

I think that about 98% of the people I have ever met don't understand and therefore do not posses true humility.

this saddens me a lot......

We are so vain and self absorbed. 

The one thing I want to know...

Do you just need someone? 

Or do you need me. 

I have so much more to offer.

But you just don't seem to care enough to see. 

I don't want to be a place holder.  

But nothing has been said

Partly because I can't move myself to become bolder. 

I'm afraid this will ensure that our love will soon become dead. 

All we know is distance....

Happy yet uneasy

I'm feeing happy. like things are kind of starting to become right, but that makes me feel uneasy because I know it won't last. I feel like its all going to go crashing through soon. 

I don't mind the happiness not lasting, but the comfort I am starting to feel is so nice I just wish it would stay. 

At least I know that I have my constants.... God, Nicole, my mom, music,  books, the sun, the sky, flowers....with all those I will be ok no matter what. :) 

Blind and lost without any sight of Resolve

I just want to see where this is going? 

I feel like everything truly good I had is now lost, and for stupid reasons. Misunderstandings and restlessness. 

I feel so blind, so lost, and like everything I had and worked so hard for is gone. 

How did this happen? What is the purpose of all of this? 

I wish more than anything for resolve, but I don't see how thats possible. 

how did this happen. How did I get here? 

When did I lose my sight? 

I try to regain balance, but I seem to lose my grasp when ever I get close. 

"Crooked souls trying to stay up straight

The Shadow proves the sunshine" 

Blind

I just want to see where this is going, but I'm totally blind.