you seem vacant sometimes....

and I want to know why. It bothers me. 

Circles

I'm thinking about rebellions against prior rebellions of other rebellions, and so on and so forth.... History and people are very circular and tend to repeat a lot. We are always moving, but not exactly always up or down, but more often just around and around again.... I'm not sure if this is completely sad or not. maybe a little. Maybe more on this later. 

this sounds so pathetic....

But I don't mean it to... I think my heart breaks on a pretty constant basis. 

Sometimes I'm just sad about people and life in general. I just feel like there is this huge force holding us all back and we hurt and hurt each other and it makes me sad. 

Christ is my one true refuge... but I feel so far lately. I sometimes faith takes a side trip when life is on autopilot. I don't want to be rushing so fast and so scared that I just put life on autopilot anymore... I don't like it because when I do I let myself and everything important to me fade.    

Southbound Train

I've been feeling kind of weird lately. I didn't really even know how to put it in to words, but then I remembered this song... and its the only thing I could think of that makes sense to my mood lately, or where I'm at in life this moment (although, I think I feel this way a lot, but more now than ever). 

Southbound Train

Jon Foreman

Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown

I know more than I wanted to know

I've said more than I wanted to say

I'm headed home

Yeah, but I'm not so sure

That home is a place you can still get to by train

So I'm looking out the window 

And I'm drifting off to sleep with my face pressed up against the pane 

With the rhythm of my heart 

And the ringing in my ear

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

Over and over I hear the same refrain

Its the rhythm of my heart 

Its they rhythm of the Southbound Train

Oh, I suppose they'll say I should've known 

Or maybe I'm just feeling old

Like a lawyer

With no one to blame

I'm headed home

Yeah I'm not so sure

That home is a place 

That will ever be the same

So we gather up out things 

And we head out in the cold

And your eyes are where you carry the pain

When I head the whistle weeping 

Its a cry to the sky

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

----

Its the end of a school year. I've dealt with so much new stuff that I haven't been around or experienced before. I'm the same, but I'm also different.  I'm trying to decide what to do with everything I experienced and learned. I feel like I have all of this stuff handed to me and now I have to figure out what to think about it, what to do about it, and how to move on and process everything. For lack of a better term I just feel weird, and I feel like life is going to take off again going from zero to sixty in under three seconds very soon.  I'm scared I won't be able to hold on, or if I do when it ends I'm scared that I'll be so shaken by the ride that I won't know what to do next. 

Forgave...

I forgave you. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding anything still against you. 

I forgave you, and I try to forget, but  the memory still hurts.  

I forgave you, but some of my trust that I had for you is broken...for now. I want it to be restored, but that is up to you because it still hurts and I can't heal this on my own. 

growing up

Its interesting realizing that those glimpses of adult hood that I have always experienced are not only becoming more frequent, but they are actually feeling more like plain reality from time to time. 

Its weird growing up. I realize that I never really have to grow up fully though...there are some things I never want to lose or out grow. 

I know. My Heart. (You Always Hurt the Ones You Love)

I know.

I know. 

I know.

You get tired of hearing me say it. 

You don't believe me that I understand. 

The truth is that I know you. 

The truth is that I understand so much better than you think. 

I do not clam to know everything, or even much at all. 

But what I do know is that at the heart of all this distress you are just trying to protect me. 

I also know that it is your greatest fear that I would break. 

But I know a broken heart all too well. 

What you don't see is that no boy, no man, no person, or thing could ever break my heart (or me entirely down to the core) more than you have. 

 

Maybe part of is because I could never love anything more than you.

Because of that love I will not confirm your greatest nightmare only to injure you more. 

I really should thank you because you have made this heart more guarded and unbreakable than any. 

I don't mind being broken. I don't mind falling on my face. I don't mind a broken heart, failing,  or being wrong. 

What upsets me the most is that we are killing each other and ourselves constantly. Is this ever going to stop? Whenever I try to help is to no avail, or it just hurts, and it seems like no matter what this is all just getting worse. 

The irony of all this  is that you are my heart. You are my broken, shattered, cold, guarded, fearless, strong heart. 

My heart is broken because you are broken. My heart is a reflection of you.