What's enough?

How can you tell if someone cares "enough"? It might be simple to tell someone that they don't care enough (though not always easy), but how do you tell them that you are not sure if they do or do not care "enough"?

What even is enough?

I hate the fear to speak, and even so it should not be felt here. I shouldn't be afraid to speak.

I hate "almost". I hate lukewarm. I hate that you turn into the victim at the first sign of the most loving form of rebuke. You gave yourself away, and I should know better than to fall for another act of avoidance.

Brown eyes Turn Blue

I saw today your brown eyes change to blue

the gaze is the same, but the color has changed. 

Now he stands where you used to 

Though now I look in loving eyes of blue I am still not sure what then final color will be. 

Star Light Star Bright

I wish I may, a wish I might that I wasn't here wishing this wish tonight: oh, if you would actually treat me well. 

I will always love you and treat you well no matter what, but I do deserve better than this. 

Doll (Owners Manual)

Hello New Owner, Meet Doll. 

She is a beauty to look at, a great showpiece, friend, and companion! Her glass eyes always sparkle and shine in the light. For your convenience they will only open and close at your command depending on what you want her to see. If Doll sees something you should wish to hid, do not fear...  Doll will never break her silence. 

Doll has a painted smile on my face. Her pasty porcelain skin, untouched by the sun to prevent damage, is formed into a permanent smile. Soft pink lips to mach the rose on her cheeks.  She has straight white teeth. Always a pleasant demeanor for you to look at (no one will ever have to see Doll with a sour look on her face). Her lips could never move to tell your secrets, disagree with you or tell you what you are doing wrong. 

Doll does not require any maintenance or nag for any attention what so ever. Due to that fact, she may seem a bit faded at times, but that is caused by dust from a long time alone up on the shelf. If her faded appearance bothers you, just take her down and give her a good shake. At that point you can just put her right back up and leave her for as long as you wish. 

If you are ever feeling ill or depressed she will always be there, just for you. If you something to hug, or someone to talk to...your deepest thoughts, complaints, fears, or failures Doll is always there for you. If you simply need to find a way to take out your anger Doll is small and easy to throw into a floor or wall. If I do by all means throw me away. I wouldn't want to be a bother seeing as I wold need repair, and no one wants to look at a broken Doll up on a shelf. 

(Summary of Use for Owners): If you wish, hug Doll, and tell you love her when she is brand new (though not required). Put her on your shelf. Use her only when you need her. If Doll breaks throw her away. Don't worry about missing Doll after you get rid of her. She will never me missed because you can always buy a new one. 

Thank you for your purchase. 

About to take off :)

I'm going faraway to a place of my dreams. 

A great adventure... something more than I have ever experienced in my life. Its what I've always wanted, and I just realized its exactly what I need. I'm pretty sure anyway.

 Why have I been viewing this as a negative thing? Fear with a considerable amount of pressure mixed in, but I'm not going to let that get in the way. That would be lame. 

I have the chance to see and explore things that until less than a month from now have been so distant I dare not even hope to dream too much about. I get to learn and observe... something I love and enjoy. To work hard for something I want and be to responsible and be independent. 

Why didn't I look at it like this before? 

.

.

.

Through which lens do you view the world? 

Bad Habit (maybe?):

"Assume the worst, and you won't get (as) hurt (or surprised and caught off guard at least). "

I hate that I always tend to expect the worst from people... and I hate more that I haven't been proved wrong enough to consider it a good idea to work on changing this train of thought. 

Not that I don't think everyone is bad. I just feel like we are all so crooked, even the best of us, that its too risky and dangerous to  trust anyone or thing too much. Yet, I wonder if I make things worse by assuming... I know I have, but I don't always know. And thats just the thing... I don't know, so I always brace myself just incase. 

I am realizing more and more that this is a sorry way to live, but still....

I feel uneasy when...

I can't figure out what's going on, and even more uneasy when I can't figure out my own feelings or what I want and what to about it all. But I think I feel a lot better when I can figure out a metaphor to perfectly explain how I feel. Or song lyrics. Those work too. (Something about how I think... I am constantly thinking of a figurative or metaphorical way to explain or understand anything and everything. I don't like it when I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, or something that fits.)

For now, I have none of the above. Oh well, I pray it will come. I feel like I don't have a good grip on anything good or lasting right now, and that scares me. 

I need to get back to my Love. The only real thing that I ever had, but I've been so neglectful. Good thing God isn't a person, or He would never take me back. 

I guess the first step is fully realizing grace and then accepting it, which is where I find myself at the moment, but just standing at the door. I hope I come out of this for the better and that I will be stronger because I feel like I have wasted time and regressed... which I hate (because I have do so much of it in life). Lame habits, and unhealthy patterns, regress, or at least getting stuck are such human things. I feel so human lately. 

you seem vacant sometimes....

and I want to know why. It bothers me. 

Circles

I'm thinking about rebellions against prior rebellions of other rebellions, and so on and so forth.... History and people are very circular and tend to repeat a lot. We are always moving, but not exactly always up or down, but more often just around and around again.... I'm not sure if this is completely sad or not. maybe a little. Maybe more on this later. 

this sounds so pathetic....

But I don't mean it to... I think my heart breaks on a pretty constant basis. 

Sometimes I'm just sad about people and life in general. I just feel like there is this huge force holding us all back and we hurt and hurt each other and it makes me sad. 

Christ is my one true refuge... but I feel so far lately. I sometimes faith takes a side trip when life is on autopilot. I don't want to be rushing so fast and so scared that I just put life on autopilot anymore... I don't like it because when I do I let myself and everything important to me fade.    

Southbound Train

I've been feeling kind of weird lately. I didn't really even know how to put it in to words, but then I remembered this song... and its the only thing I could think of that makes sense to my mood lately, or where I'm at in life this moment (although, I think I feel this way a lot, but more now than ever). 

Southbound Train

Jon Foreman

Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown

I know more than I wanted to know

I've said more than I wanted to say

I'm headed home

Yeah, but I'm not so sure

That home is a place you can still get to by train

So I'm looking out the window 

And I'm drifting off to sleep with my face pressed up against the pane 

With the rhythm of my heart 

And the ringing in my ear

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

Over and over I hear the same refrain

Its the rhythm of my heart 

Its they rhythm of the Southbound Train

Oh, I suppose they'll say I should've known 

Or maybe I'm just feeling old

Like a lawyer

With no one to blame

I'm headed home

Yeah I'm not so sure

That home is a place 

That will ever be the same

So we gather up out things 

And we head out in the cold

And your eyes are where you carry the pain

When I head the whistle weeping 

Its a cry to the sky

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

----

Its the end of a school year. I've dealt with so much new stuff that I haven't been around or experienced before. I'm the same, but I'm also different.  I'm trying to decide what to do with everything I experienced and learned. I feel like I have all of this stuff handed to me and now I have to figure out what to think about it, what to do about it, and how to move on and process everything. For lack of a better term I just feel weird, and I feel like life is going to take off again going from zero to sixty in under three seconds very soon.  I'm scared I won't be able to hold on, or if I do when it ends I'm scared that I'll be so shaken by the ride that I won't know what to do next. 

Forgave...

I forgave you. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding anything still against you. 

I forgave you, and I try to forget, but  the memory still hurts.  

I forgave you, but some of my trust that I had for you is broken...for now. I want it to be restored, but that is up to you because it still hurts and I can't heal this on my own. 

growing up

Its interesting realizing that those glimpses of adult hood that I have always experienced are not only becoming more frequent, but they are actually feeling more like plain reality from time to time. 

Its weird growing up. I realize that I never really have to grow up fully though...there are some things I never want to lose or out grow. 

I know. My Heart. (You Always Hurt the Ones You Love)

I know.

I know. 

I know.

You get tired of hearing me say it. 

You don't believe me that I understand. 

The truth is that I know you. 

The truth is that I understand so much better than you think. 

I do not clam to know everything, or even much at all. 

But what I do know is that at the heart of all this distress you are just trying to protect me. 

I also know that it is your greatest fear that I would break. 

But I know a broken heart all too well. 

What you don't see is that no boy, no man, no person, or thing could ever break my heart (or me entirely down to the core) more than you have. 

 

Maybe part of is because I could never love anything more than you.

Because of that love I will not confirm your greatest nightmare only to injure you more. 

I really should thank you because you have made this heart more guarded and unbreakable than any. 

I don't mind being broken. I don't mind falling on my face. I don't mind a broken heart, failing,  or being wrong. 

What upsets me the most is that we are killing each other and ourselves constantly. Is this ever going to stop? Whenever I try to help is to no avail, or it just hurts, and it seems like no matter what this is all just getting worse. 

The irony of all this  is that you are my heart. You are my broken, shattered, cold, guarded, fearless, strong heart. 

My heart is broken because you are broken. My heart is a reflection of you. 

the hardest part

I think the scariest thing for the majority of people is facing themselves for exactly what they are. 

Maybe I'll write more on that later, but its dead day and I'm going to enjoy doing nothing! :) 

Older

I've really noticed myself getting older lately, but I want to be more careful (for once I think I actually do need to be more careful about something) and be sure not to lose sight of who I am and what is most important to me. I don't want to get lost and forget what I'm living for. 

What Love is Not

an obsession 

a placeholder 

an accessory 

something to be used

Learning and Humility

I think I am getting to a place where I am allowing myself to learn.

I want to be cautious, but I don't want to let fear to hinder what I can learn. Mainly I don't want to be reckless. I want to be focused and make sure that everything I do has purpose. I want the truth. I don't want to stray, I just want to dive deeper into the truth, and yet still have faith when I get lost.

As for a slightly different thought all together, I think we as people should always aim to be more than what we are, yet in being more I do not mean losing sight of humility. If we can have a strong hold on qenuine humility and make room in our lives to grow into more than what we are than I think we will be in a good place.

Wrong place

I don't think I'm in the right place right now. 

I know what I need I can even see it now. Its so clear, but yet my masque is blurring my vision and makes me stumble when I try to take a step in the right direction. It only leads me astray.  

I try and I fail. I give up so easily. I need to remember and hold strong. I need to follow through, especially with standing up for myself and what I believe in. Why am I still so scared? 

I just realized that I don't need to be so careful like I used to think I needed to be with him, or them. Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't, but that is irrelevant now. The point is that I need to grow out of that habit. I don't even need to be so careful in that old place anymore. I just need to not be so fearful and weak, and to say what is on my mind. 

I have been hindering myself for so long that I don't even know how not to. I don't even know what I want to say when it comes time because cautiousness and restricting myself is my habit. I am so good at it, but its a pathetic skill. I know what I think and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to it...I just can't. 

In reference to Till We Have faces, I don't think I have a face right now. I have been working on the layers of my veil for so long I don't even know what lies below this masque. I still know, however, that I am Ungit. I am everything I hate, yet though my faith is weak Jesus still lives in my heart. He is the only good thing in me. 

Thats all for now. I am tired.  

"What ifs"

I have a lot of "what ifs" rolling around in my head lately (about the past and the future, and how the two collide). I am thinking about how my past decisions or experiences combined with what is to come (whatever that may be) will affect how I view things in the future. Will it be good, bad? Will I regret? Also, I'm not sure if where I'm headed is where I want to be going, yet I don't know how its going to turn out either. 

I don't want to live in the past or assume that the worst of the future, but I still want to be smart and remain true to who I know I am. These seem very hard to balance. I need to find the golden mean between these two opposing sides. 

I'm just unsure about so many big things right now. Not that I have to know at this point, but I just want to be smart and not fall into a hole. I don't want to get stuck. I want more than anything to be an obedient follower of Christ, but I haven't made that priority and I don't want to let that slip away. 

I'm not sure where my heart is right now, but I know where I want it to be. 

Thats all for now. 

silent tug of war

I kind of feel like I am stuck in a silent tug of war. 

This war is only remotely demoralizing and tiring; nothing too severe.  It seems pointless at times, but I don't want to let go. It gives me something, yet I'm not sure what. Thats why I give it a chance and have not let go yet. 

I can only hope that I will win or I will be strengthened from this daily test of my strength instead of only falling deeper into this tired and hardhearted state. I hope I will learn. I hope I will grow. I hope the best will come out of this.  

Back to Who I was.

I feel so much more like I'm living...like I'm actually present in my life when I am home. Spring break is almost over. It was one short week. I did absolutely nothing the whole time, and yet that is not true. I had a good time with my family, I remembered how hard things are at home, I worried, I cried (a lot, but it was nice in a way to be alone enough to cry), I painted, I slept (quite a bit), and I realized a lot. 

At school my life and daily experiences pass by so fast that I feel like I'm just in a race running past all these things that are going on. At home I can breath and think. I can remember and reflect. Its so nice. Its hard, its lazy, its a rut, but its deep and its beautiful and I can actually keep up. I am the kind of person who not only likes, but needs to think before she swims, but I haven't had that luxury the past seven or eight months. Its been clear to me that I have had trouble adjusting, but I think I'm getting better. I'm growing...I hope. I need to grow up and learn how to live, and make good decisions in that atmosphere. But I am still so thankful for home. 

When I got home I reverted back to who I was, who I am, so fast. I remembered all my past pain, and joy, and got back who I am. I need home to remember my pain, to remember who I really am, because thats who I want to be. 

I can't help but feel like when I get back to school, and my life there I will take my newly found old self back and those around me won't want to accept it, or at least know what to do with me. 

I'm happy though no matter what. I have my foundation back. 

I am "Back to where I was, and I resolve to regain my voice." Even in my school setting in my new life....I think this will be good. Resolve is what I needed. 

What happens?

What happens when you are running from and to the same thing? 

Humility

I think that about 98% of the people I have ever met don't understand and therefore do not posses true humility.

this saddens me a lot......

We are so vain and self absorbed. 

The one thing I want to know...

Do you just need someone? 

Or do you need me. 

I have so much more to offer.

But you just don't seem to care enough to see. 

I don't want to be a place holder.  

But nothing has been said

Partly because I can't move myself to become bolder. 

I'm afraid this will ensure that our love will soon become dead. 

All we know is distance....

Happy yet uneasy

I'm feeing happy. like things are kind of starting to become right, but that makes me feel uneasy because I know it won't last. I feel like its all going to go crashing through soon. 

I don't mind the happiness not lasting, but the comfort I am starting to feel is so nice I just wish it would stay. 

At least I know that I have my constants.... God, Nicole, my mom, music,  books, the sun, the sky, flowers....with all those I will be ok no matter what. :) 

Blind and lost without any sight of Resolve

I just want to see where this is going? 

I feel like everything truly good I had is now lost, and for stupid reasons. Misunderstandings and restlessness. 

I feel so blind, so lost, and like everything I had and worked so hard for is gone. 

How did this happen? What is the purpose of all of this? 

I wish more than anything for resolve, but I don't see how thats possible. 

how did this happen. How did I get here? 

When did I lose my sight? 

I try to regain balance, but I seem to lose my grasp when ever I get close. 

"Crooked souls trying to stay up straight

The Shadow proves the sunshine" 

Blind

I just want to see where this is going, but I'm totally blind. 

Caught between Green and Blue

I've always loved pictures of meadows and sky. Together they are the most beautiful scene I can think of. 

The grass is constant, soft (with the occasional thorn) and green, which cradles me so that I can rest in peace and contentment. Quite, understanding, and hidden, but somehow so present at times, and surprises me with flowers and a sense peacefulness. 

The sky is an ever changing bright blue, dark night, or pale and soft. It is brilliant and light, but contains great depth. The sky has so many elements. The wind, the weather, the rain, and sun are beautiful and complex, but too much and it could overwhelm and destroy. 

Without either one I don't know what I would do. 

I'm caught in the balance from one to the other. The sky sends the wind to pull me up, but gravity and the soft ground calls me back down. In a tug-a war where I am the rope I'm being torn in two. Painful, but I don't see a more comfortable alternative. 

Its not about comfort its about doing what's right, and that I don't even know what that is right now. 

A Child like Understanding

I think children understand what love is, but I think that understanding is usually (but not always) lost with age... somewhere the teenage years post likely due to selfishness. 

Some people grow up and get that understanding back. Others don't. I wish I lived in a world where more people understood, or at least where people weren't so self centered to so that the one thing they did understand was that they were lacking in the understanding department. 

I don't like grown ups. Or the grown up selfish mentality anyway. Selfishness is hateful.

wronged

There is no worse feeling than knowing you wronged someone. Other than posibly knowing that you are going to wrong someone. 

No matter what seems perfect something always hurts

the title covers it. 

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good intentions"

This is a saying my teacher said in my Exegesis class that I have never heard before, but it really struck me. It is so true. 

I have the best of intentions and I feel like I'm stuck and headed for hell no matter what I do. I want everyone to be happy and feel loved and I want to do everything I possibly can to make that happen, but I always fail miserably. 

One of my favorite songs says "I'm not sure what's truly altruistic anymore...I won't be the one to disappoint you".....

Lukewarm

What do you do when nothing is wrong....but its not exactly right either? 

I have no idea. 

Wait it out for now I suppose. Try to make it right, and see if it goes wrong. 

But it could go very wrong. So much for security. 

like a hospice

I don't mean to be morbid, but I wonder if most people would act differently or at least see the world differently if they had the experience of being responsible for taking care of a dying thing.  

Caring for someone who was constantly in the fragile state makes you so much more aware. It forces out all thoughts of selfishness. 

It was so painful, but I wish desperately to be that person again without the self destructive aspect. 

 

Mute

Why do I suddenly mute around you when all I want to do is speak? When I do speak its never what I want to say. My meekness frustrates me. I have communication problems, and I worry about offending or hurting people so much. I end up hurting them anyway apparently. Which I hate. I hate it so much. No matter what I do, or how far I try to run from it I keep running in to myself. 

Back to Where I was.

You don't have to tell me. I know I'm not yours. You are not mine. so why do we waste our time?Why don't we say anything to make it work or to state the obvious. Is it obvious to you? It has to. Though I cannot be sure and I question if I'm reading you right. I've always prided myself on being able to read people, but now I'm just not sure. There is so little to read at the moment I don't know what to make of it. 

What to do when one is stuck, without a decent looking option and such a lack of understanding? Its so frustrating.  

I always feel caught in between in the lose, lose kind of situations. I realized the other day that this was my worst fear. Its funny how we tend to make our worst fears come true. 

In psychology the technical term for that is avoidance, avoidance conflict. The kind where someone would prefer to avoid both, but must choose which to face. I'm always foolish enough to think that I can avoid all the negative options, but I'm always proved wrong. 

If only you wouldn't hide then I would at least have understanding. 

I decided the other day that understanding, and not perfection of circumstance is what makes us comfortable. 

Comfort in Understanding

I think that people are comfortable when they understand people (and that could go for other things aside from just people). Not that they are always happy with what they understand, but there is something very comforting about understanding.