Blind and lost without any sight of Resolve

I just want to see where this is going? 

I feel like everything truly good I had is now lost, and for stupid reasons. Misunderstandings and restlessness. 

I feel so blind, so lost, and like everything I had and worked so hard for is gone. 

How did this happen? What is the purpose of all of this? 

I wish more than anything for resolve, but I don't see how thats possible. 

how did this happen. How did I get here? 

When did I lose my sight? 

I try to regain balance, but I seem to lose my grasp when ever I get close. 

"Crooked souls trying to stay up straight

The Shadow proves the sunshine" 

Blind

I just want to see where this is going, but I'm totally blind. 

Caught between Green and Blue

I've always loved pictures of meadows and sky. Together they are the most beautiful scene I can think of. 

The grass is constant, soft (with the occasional thorn) and green, which cradles me so that I can rest in peace and contentment. Quite, understanding, and hidden, but somehow so present at times, and surprises me with flowers and a sense peacefulness. 

The sky is an ever changing bright blue, dark night, or pale and soft. It is brilliant and light, but contains great depth. The sky has so many elements. The wind, the weather, the rain, and sun are beautiful and complex, but too much and it could overwhelm and destroy. 

Without either one I don't know what I would do. 

I'm caught in the balance from one to the other. The sky sends the wind to pull me up, but gravity and the soft ground calls me back down. In a tug-a war where I am the rope I'm being torn in two. Painful, but I don't see a more comfortable alternative. 

Its not about comfort its about doing what's right, and that I don't even know what that is right now. 

A Child like Understanding

I think children understand what love is, but I think that understanding is usually (but not always) lost with age... somewhere the teenage years post likely due to selfishness. 

Some people grow up and get that understanding back. Others don't. I wish I lived in a world where more people understood, or at least where people weren't so self centered to so that the one thing they did understand was that they were lacking in the understanding department. 

I don't like grown ups. Or the grown up selfish mentality anyway. Selfishness is hateful.

wronged

There is no worse feeling than knowing you wronged someone. Other than posibly knowing that you are going to wrong someone. 

No matter what seems perfect something always hurts

the title covers it. 

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good intentions"

This is a saying my teacher said in my Exegesis class that I have never heard before, but it really struck me. It is so true. 

I have the best of intentions and I feel like I'm stuck and headed for hell no matter what I do. I want everyone to be happy and feel loved and I want to do everything I possibly can to make that happen, but I always fail miserably. 

One of my favorite songs says "I'm not sure what's truly altruistic anymore...I won't be the one to disappoint you".....

Lukewarm

What do you do when nothing is wrong....but its not exactly right either? 

I have no idea. 

Wait it out for now I suppose. Try to make it right, and see if it goes wrong. 

But it could go very wrong. So much for security. 

like a hospice

I don't mean to be morbid, but I wonder if most people would act differently or at least see the world differently if they had the experience of being responsible for taking care of a dying thing.  

Caring for someone who was constantly in the fragile state makes you so much more aware. It forces out all thoughts of selfishness. 

It was so painful, but I wish desperately to be that person again without the self destructive aspect. 

 

Mute

Why do I suddenly mute around you when all I want to do is speak? When I do speak its never what I want to say. My meekness frustrates me. I have communication problems, and I worry about offending or hurting people so much. I end up hurting them anyway apparently. Which I hate. I hate it so much. No matter what I do, or how far I try to run from it I keep running in to myself. 

Back to Where I was.

You don't have to tell me. I know I'm not yours. You are not mine. so why do we waste our time?Why don't we say anything to make it work or to state the obvious. Is it obvious to you? It has to. Though I cannot be sure and I question if I'm reading you right. I've always prided myself on being able to read people, but now I'm just not sure. There is so little to read at the moment I don't know what to make of it. 

What to do when one is stuck, without a decent looking option and such a lack of understanding? Its so frustrating.  

I always feel caught in between in the lose, lose kind of situations. I realized the other day that this was my worst fear. Its funny how we tend to make our worst fears come true. 

In psychology the technical term for that is avoidance, avoidance conflict. The kind where someone would prefer to avoid both, but must choose which to face. I'm always foolish enough to think that I can avoid all the negative options, but I'm always proved wrong. 

If only you wouldn't hide then I would at least have understanding. 

I decided the other day that understanding, and not perfection of circumstance is what makes us comfortable.